No Future to Embarrass Us: Tired, atomized

Well, I've spent the evening wandering from one café to another. Killing time over coffees and happy hour beers. Dug into either my book or my note pad.

A few things I paid special attention to:
One, a transformation. I don't know what it is yet, but I can feel it.

Two, there was a pinball machine in one bar called the Authre Bistro called Medieval Madness. This machine has a bit of sentimentality to it to me. I can't really explain it, its just a machine. But I Know this machine for some reason. Its a perfect pin table. I not the best at pins, but I know them. I can respect their craftsmanship and the cult that follows them. This specific machine plays like none other, it has all the traditional clichés and perks of a pin machine, great analog synths, a good point system, etc. etc. etc. something that most people don't really care about. Call it nerdy that I think so, but whatever, pins are out of fashion, doesn't mean that this specific machine isn't a well crafted relic from a golden age. I know this about the machine, each one is hand built, on top of that each electronic board is hand soldered, even on top of that, each table is hand painted. All of them with a their own kind of love and affection that people don't really pay attention to anymore. Its just a coin eater. Its just for killing time. No, this is something of a cabaret of mechanics, you can feel it when you play, even if you're the dregs on a pins table like me. If you're ever in a bar or an arcade and you see a Medieval Madness table, play it, its worth the 25 to 50 cents/centimes.

Three, I'm probably going to be back in Toronto in the fall, if not late summer. I'm going to come back and work hard and untie myself from whatever loans and bills I have lying around before I jump back out into the world. Even waiting can be like making moves. But if any of you see me stuck in a rut forgetting to play the game and hustle to accomplish my dreams, slap me.

Four, one week from now i'll be waiting in an airport terminal to go to the Baltics for a week. This will be the first time that I haven't been around my family for Christmas. All the subtle joys that I've always associated with Christmas shout out at me. Waking up early, making coffee for my Dad, tea for Mum. This is the only way to get them up and ready so that you can open presents. Then eating a fantastic breakfast and drinking Mimosas. Taking a day nap. I guess its been a while since I've done the present thing, but even so, the switch from getting presents to being able to be around family for the holidays seemed like a natural progression of feeling festive. Well this year I'm atomized for the first time. My mom and dad are married and have each other, and my brother is married and spending the holidays with her, and I'm going to the Baltics where I don't speak the language or know what I'm doing there.

Andrew out for now, I'm sleep deprived and this blog is probably the results of such catatonic maddened thought processes. picture me writing this on a friend's couch, flicking my pursed lips while I loll my head counter-clockwise.

yeah.

and people are on their way over for a dinner party and I have to be social.

1 hour later, 1 secret santa later. I've got a cooking cape (which people keep insisting is called an apron), a record, bugles, and some other neat stuff. But the cooking cape is totally the end all, its brand new, but embroidered, sharpied, and pre-covered in wine stains. So my style.